Really, for a hot mess of a song, what more could you expect than a hot mess of a video?
For "Run The World (Girls)", Beyoncé leads an army of couture-clad ladies in a rebellion against the oppressive male regime. She's like the Che Guevara of dance!
Directed by Francis Lawrence, who's probably best known for Gaga's "Bad Romance", Beyoncé seems to be trying her hand at epic videos. Yet, for a video so epic, it's so simple. All it does is focus on the chreography. Which is stellar, don't get me wrong. I mean, girl balances on the heels of her stilettos, for cryin' in the kitchen sink.
But, for a video that's a statement about being a strong female, the best she could come up with is dancing in skimpy designer duds, writhing in the sand and looking sexy in the sand? In a way, she's saying that women can only lead by being seductresses, while men are always confusing their pistols with their privates. (Thank you, Catwoman.)
Back to the drawing board, I say. And while you're there, reconsider those blond eyebrows. They scare me.
Beyoncé's new single "Run The World (Girls)" is out and oy vey, it's a mess.
I supposed she's trying to recapture the girl power feeling of "Single Ladies", but this song is structurally schizophrenic. The percussion drastically shifts from fast-paced cavalry march to a slow ominous thumping, and it's all confused by blips and whistles and screams.
Meanwhile, Beyoncé, who has a really good voice, is vocally all over the place. Stacatto pronunciation, growls and snarls, and melissma aplenty.
Sadly, because this is B we're taking about, this song is bound to run the world, regardless of how haphazard it sounds.
On behalf of women everywhere, I'm offended by Chris Brown's latest video. On behalf of people with good taste anywhere, I'm offended by Chris Brown's latest video.
He's been churning out the singles non-stop from his latest album F.A.M.E. and he's just released a viral video for his song "Spend It All". It's a song about strippers. So, the video, accordingly, features all sorts of softcore scenes that really turned my stomach.
Not so must because of the strippers. What a woman wants to do with her body is her prerogative. I'm mostly offended because this is Chris Brown: a violent misogynist who keeps asking for the public to forgive him because he's changed, yet he releases a video like this which portrays woman as objects for sexual pleasure.
DUDE! Get a friggin' clue! This isn't how you go about showing your reform.
And it doesn't help that the song sucks.
Watch if you care. I recommend you be older than 18, please.
So, Chris Brown's second single off of his latest album F.A.M.E. (Famous Angry Male Ego - just kidding) is a "Beautiful People", a dance track mixed by Benny Benassi.
The video is shot in a very amateur style, looking like they just carried a Flip cam all over the place. Look for cameos by Pharrell, Estelle, Timbaland, Nelly and more. But, I couldn't help but laugh at the shot of everyone fist pumping in the middle of the song.
Really, Chris? Is that a wise dance move for you to be doing?
Lyrically, the song is a very uplifting song about finding beauty around you and within - but coming from Chris' mouth, it smells of someone trying to make himself feel better about himself.
We all know he's prone to violence. And I know he's sick of us all reminding him about it. But, if you didn't want that to happen, here's a tip, Mr. Brown: how about you don't pummel a girl's face to a pulp in the first place?
So, I didn't watch the Superbowl. Big surprise. Instead I worked on some music and finished a book. A perfect Sunday afternoon, if you ask me.
But, I guess I should comment on the musical acts that occured during the event. Especially cuz it was a trainwreck of a spectacle.
Let's start with Lea Michele from Glee who sang "America the Beautiful" in what I can only imagine was a promo for the special episode of Glee that aired after the Super Bowl. She did a decent job, even if she does sound like a Disney princess. I'm just wondering how she managed to get a solo performance at the Superbowl. She's reportedly a big diva, so she must have relished in the fact that they didn't ask for the whole cast.
Then, Christina came out in a very bad weave and sang the national anthem. Yes, it took less then 30 seconds for her to begin her trademark melissmatic singing. The real "controversy" is that she flubbed the lyrics by singing "What so proudly we watched, at the twilight's last gleaming" instead of "O'er the ramparts we watched, we so gallantly streaming". I didn't catch the mistake. Partly because I don't know the words, but mostly because I was mesmerized by her over-singing. And then the we'll completely fell off the wagon at the money shot - she kinda bailed on the "land of the free" line. We were all expecting a crazy note there, admit it. And then her voice sounded like it was about to give out during "home of the brave". Girl, go take a nap.
And, then we get to the half-time show with the Black Eyed Peas. This was a 12-minute auto-tuned mess of a medley. And it was bad. I mean, you know it's terrible when the most remarkable thing about the performance are the LED costumes that the dancers were wearing.
It started with peas descending from the roof for "I Gotta Feeling". That's when I gotta feeling this was going to be a mess. Then, we went to "Boom Boom Pow" and somehow APL managed to be offkey. Yes, he was rapping. I didn't know that was possible. Then, out of nowhere, Slash appears and Fergie butchers "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns N' Roses. She sounded like a drunk mom doing karaoke. Then, we go through "Pump It" and "Let's Get It Started" before Usher comes down to sing "OMG" with will.i.am. Well, he danced, more than sang. But, it was pretty darn entertaining. Especially when he jumped over will.i.am and landing in the splits. Yowza! Then, the Peas decides it's a good time to remind us that they used to a band with legitimate opinions by singing "Where Is The Love?" But, Fergie was trying to take the song over by singing louder than everyone else. Finally, they end with "The Time (Dirty Bit)" and the torture is over. Wait, did the robot voice say "that was mega"? I guess it's right. If they meant to say "mega crap".
I don't know why Jennifer Lopez is so desperate to pursue her music career. She's always been a better actor than a singer, so why doesn't she just focus on that.
Oh yeah, cuz she's a new judge on American Idol. And what better way to show you're capability to judge a bad karaoke show than by releasing a bad cover of Bananarama?
Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this "music video" (I use the quotation marks because this looks like a Grade 6 school project) for "O Come All Ye Faithful" by Mariah Carey and her mother, who is a classically trained opera singer and who I always forget is white?
First of all, I think it's safe to say that Mariah gets pwned by her mother when she unleashes her voice at the 1:33 mark. Notice how after her mother's verse, Mariah suddenly ups her vocal game. Nobody will show up Mimi in her own video. Not even her mother.
And the random shot of Mariah fondling the microphone at the 2:40 mark. It's weird.
The whole thing is just weird. And it's so weird, that we just have to laugh.
So, thanks Mariah, for providing the chuckles! Happy Holidays!
Just because you're on a reality show doesn't give you licence to release a song. Especially one that's vapid, bland, awkwardly produced and wrong on every level.
Ladies and Germs, here is "I'm Hot" by Angelina from Jersey Shore.
I'll be having a mimosa or 5 with my brunch today. Feel free to join me.
